mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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