I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
