If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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