i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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