Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She bit a glass in half.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
