at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
