I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
