I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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