we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
