As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize