Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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