My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
