ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
