Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
