i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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