gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
