Hippo gnu deer
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
