A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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