i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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