The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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