Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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