Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
