oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
