You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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