Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
