seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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