I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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