I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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