mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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