apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
