Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
