An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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