i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
