i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
