I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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