I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
