News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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