apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
