I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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