I am midnight drunk by noon
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
