For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
