I just threw up on my dentist
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
