no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
