I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize