when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
