That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
