he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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