I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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