I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
