Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
