If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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