i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
