Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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