I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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