Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
