i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
